PERCY: McAllister's down, O'Brien's down, Woozley's heading your way.
Yeah, Roger that. l have a fix on the target.
Secure and hold their flag sight and await further orders.
Sir, l have an unguarded flag and Collins without a gun.
Permission to take him out.
No. Negative.
The flag and Collins are mine.
Remember that offer l made you in the limo?
You put your gun down, and l'll double it.
No one will ever know.
Forget it.
Come on, Collins, think about it.
Your parents could pay off the mortgage.
You're not buying your way out of this one.
l guess it's the fastest draw that wins, then, huh, sport?
BOY VOlCEOVER: History has known some great rivalries:
Cain versus Abel,
Athens versus Sparta,
Ali versus Frazier.
Now, this is the story of another great rivalry,
a rivalry that became a war.
But you won't find it in any textbook.
And it started like this...
What's wrong with you?
-No, l'm serious, Diana. -What?
Your dad's gonna catch us.
Stop worrying about my dad, okay?
No, l'm serious. He's gonna castrate me.
My father was right. You Selby boys are all pussies.
Then why don't you make him happy and get back together with Geoffrey?
- Geoffrey. - Yes.
Now, what does he have that you don't?
Exactly.
Besides money, charm, good looks.
You know, l mean, he does have a lot of money,
lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of money.
But l know something you have that he doesn't.
What?
Me.
Diana.
Oh, shit.
Yes, Daddy.
What are you doing out here?
Nothing. l'm just hanging out, you know.
Mr. Riggs.
Percival.
The Hargraves are here, dear. They'd love to see you.
Wonderful.
Happy birthday, sir.
Collins....
A part-time job to help your parents out with the school fees.
Hey, good for you, man.
Geoffrey, you're funny.
Whoa... whoa! What's the rush?
Just 'cause we go to rival schools doesn't mean we can't talk.
This has nothing to do with our schools. l just don't like you.
What did you get the old man for his birthday?
None of your business.
l got him a set of golf clubs. Titanium. Top of the line.
We're gonna play a round tomorrow.
Speaking of presents,
do you know what Diana gave me for my birthday,
you know, when we were going out?
Okay. l'll give you a hint.
lt's something a girl can only give a guy once.
Champagne.
DIANA: Percy!
What are you doing out here?
Drinking the bubbly.
So,
you're outside, drinking
all by yourself?
That's cool, l guess.
You won't have sex with me,
but you'll do it with that blue-blooded dickhead!
ls that Selby boy drunk?
Yeah.
Yes, but that is only because your pal Geoffrey here said
that he de-virginized your daughter!
That's not true.
On June 28th, 1914...
Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated.
What you just saw was a lot like that event.
Except that in this case no one was killed by Bosnian terrorists.
True, but like the death of Franz, it was a spark that ignited a war.
A war not between nations but between schools.
A Prom War.
Just so you guys know, we lost another rugby game.
That makes it 56-0 against Lancaster, and that's just rugby.
You should probably stop counting at this point.
No. You girls need to be reminded about how much we suck.
Especially Pussy here.
Percy.
Hamish.
He got knocked on his ass by a girl. No sympathy.
l was drunk. l lost my balance.
Sports are so '90s, Hamish. You should just get over it,
because no one at Selby really cares about them anymore.
l care,
and l am part of this stupid-ass student government,
so l wanna make a new law.
For the last time, we can't take money out of the computer program
and invest it in sports.
Jocks make up, what, eight percent of the student body?
Okay, that's true, but this isn't a tyranny of the majority.
Yeah it is. It's a nerdocracy.
Why don't you transfer to Lancaster like all the other jocks did?
l mean, you'd be so much happier there.
Because l'm a legacy, Collins,
which is something a soft-dick
academic-scholarship case like you wouldn't understand.
Okay, is there anything else anyone would like to discuss?
Yeah l was thinking maybe
can we talk about some themes for the upcoming dance?
l was thinking maybe Clash of the Titans.
What do you guys think about that?
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. You guys are gay.
lt's not gay, Hamish.
lt's...
lt's our last chance to ask an ACS girl to the prom.
Well, Percy's single.
Yes, Joe, l would love to go to the prom with you.
Besides, ACS girls are overrated.
No. It's not revenge, B. It's not revenge.
lt's so revenge, and it's awesome.
No, it's more like it's justice, all right?
Wait, hold on, l don't get it. Revenge against who?
Against Percy and all of his loser Selby friends.
This is gonna humiliate them.
No. No, no, no, no, no. Okay.
What we are trying to do is we're gonna teach them a lesson.
All right? Selby and Lancaster, both of them.
[ School bell rings ]
Okay, but what about the other girls?
lt's sort of a lot to ask.
How are we gonna convince them?
DIANA: All right, Meg, l didn't want to have to do this,
but we all remember your 14th birthday.
Look, l'm sure the boys will come. Okay?
lt's only been, like, three hours.
So...
Oh, duh, you're supposed to do that. l'm sorry.
Big deal.
Not everyone has been hurt by the boys.
Oh. Oh, really. Yeah, all right.
Yeah. O'Brien?
Kleenex in your boobs.
We need to get back at these bastards!
Yes. And we will.
But the point is,
we all remember the times of unreturned phone calls,
unrequited crushes, cruel nicknames.
l got ''Dopey Diana.'' Do l look dopey? No.
l know that all this attention is so new and fresh to us, you know?
But in the end, what has this attention gotten us? Anyone?
-Groped. -Clumsily.
Disastrously.
We're stuck with half-assed hook-ups where we're doing all the work.
Yup.
We're cute, all right? We are freakishly hot!
Yeah!
And above-averagely smart.
That combination is deadly.
And when it comes to prom, we should get anything we want.
GIRLS: Oh, yeah.
But instead,
we are stuck with a bunch of little boys
with condoms in their wallets.
Who do they think they are? This is my prom, okay?
This is my prom.
So, what are we gonna do?
What are all of us gonna do about this?
What do you say?
l am gonna call the Lancaster and Selby prefects
and bring them in for a war!
What do you say?
[ Cheers ]
Fukoyama, that hair's gotta stop.
My pompadour is non-negotiable.
-l like it. -That's 'cause you're gay.
Percy, can you at least try to make a good impression, please?
Better?
Finch, the tie is a disgrace.
Fifty.
Thank you, sir.
Woozley.
Geoffy. How's your mom?
School-switching traitor.
Nerd lover.
DIANA: Boys, calm down.
Save this energy, 'cause you're gonna need it.
l'll cut right to the chase, gentlemen.
We have a supply-and-demand problem.
We, the senior class of ACS, are in great demand.
But there just doesn't seem to be enough of us to go around.
[ Scoffs ]
Jen B., how many prom invitations've we already gotten so far this year?
163.
DIANA: Hmm, and that's an average
of how many invitations per girl, Jen L.?
4.3. Rounded to the nearest decimal.
Yes, we understand, you're all very high in demand.
What's your point?
My point, Percival, is that when demand is high and supply is low,
prices go up.
So the price for taking us to the prom has just gone up.
Way... way up.
Are you saying we have to pay you to go to prom with us?
That won't be a problem.
How much are we talking about here, by the way?
You will not pay for us. No. Instead you will earn us.
And how might that be?
By winning the competition.
As you see, you will be awarded
10 points for each victory of the competitions of our choosing.
-Scrabble? -Ping-pong.
The events have been divided equally between academic and athletic
so neither school will have a major advantage.
Come on. You've got to be kidding me!
The school with the highest points at the end will get the pleasure
and the right to take all of us to the senior prom as their dates.
There is one rule.
There will be no more hook-ups between your boys and our girls
for the rest of the year.
And if anyone tries to cheat,
you shall be penalized.
Any questions?
Now, of course there are other girls in the city.
Really, Woozley? Uh, like who? Public-school girls?
Guys?
Enough, enough!
Goddammit, Finch.
-l'm sorry. l can't do this. -DIANA: Percy?
What?
Look, l'm not gonna use the term ''jock'' or ''nerd '' but...
But what?
Most Selby boys are nerds, so we should just be grateful
that you gave us this wonderful opportunity and shut up?
Look, some of the hottest girls in my class can tell you
every color of the light sabers for the Jedis, all right?
And can kick your ass in Xbox.
So don't be so presumptuous.
Sit down, Percy.
We're in.
Wonderful.
And we will put it to a vote.
Oh, by all means. Please do.
-l vote yes. -Duly noted.
So, you really think Selby will go for it?
Of course they'll go for it. They're boys.
Nerdy boys, though. Too much brains maybe.
And not enough balls.
And not to mention the, you know, Percy factor.
Hey, hey, hey. That came out of left field.
What does that have to do with anything?
Diana, look at the way he's acting.
You know he's gonna put up a fight.
And you always said he had a way with words.
Look, no matter how many speeches Percy makes up,
these pictures are gonna be a lot more persuasive.
Stop the fighting!
And these rules will be enforced by those furious three chicks,
so cheating will be out of the question, 'cause they're scary.
What if we already have a date lined up?
l'm sure your sister will understand, if you let her down easy.
Obviously you can bring whoever you like.
Just out of interest, how many of you besides Francis
have steady girlfriends?
[ Cricket chirps ]
Obviously motivation isn't going to be a problem.
Shall we put it to a vote?
Can l just say one thing?
By all means.
Thank you.
Guys...
l apologize.
l mean, if it wasn't for me breaking up with Diana,
then we wouldn't be in this crazy mess in the first place.
l thought she was the one who punched you in the face.
The point is, Northrop,
she's just trying to drag you into some personal vendetta of hers,
trying to make you perform for her in a twisted theater of cruelty,
becoming toy soldiers in her little war.
So, if we win do we, like, get to fool around with them and junk?
Northrop, that all depends on how charming you are.
So, no guaranteed titty squeezing,
kissing, or anything else that guys and girls supposedly do?
Sorry.
No, it's okay, you know. l'm taken care of.
lt's my guys, you know. l want them to have a good night.
Show the picture.
No, we agreed not to until after we put it to a vote.
Show them the picture.
l think it's safe to say
we are now officially at war with Lancaster Academy.
Lord knows l don't expect you girls to be prim and prissy, but this...
Well, if l may,
it is a political statement showing the... objectification
of young teenage girls through irony.
Spare me the post-feminist malarkey, Miss Riggs.
Well, l can't very well suspend the entire senior class.
But what l can do
is suspend all further senior-class social activities.
You brought this on yourselves, Iadies.
[ School bell rings ]
Okay, so who the hell gave her that photo?
lt's great. Good-bye, M.l.T.
Okay, relax. It's not like we were posing naked or anything.
Oh, yeah, it's fantastic. There goes my Fermat Scholarship.
Thank you. Thanks.
Look, it's pretty obvious who the snitch is.
Who else?
No way. It was an inside job.
l knew we should have taken him out.
Okay, look, l understand that Percy is a prime suspect right now,
but we can't go around making accusations, all right?
Guys. Come take a look at this.
Hell, no, we won't go to prom with warmongers!
l'm gonna have to go to Harvard.
Harvard. Do you wanna go to Harvard?
'Cause l don't. l don't wanna go to Harvard.
You may not know it yet,
but your head prefect is implicating you in a war that is destroying
the lives of many innocent young men.
Here, you take that.
Hell, no, we won't go to prom with warmongers!
So, this is our first war-council prefects meeting.
Are there any tactical or strategic matters
anyone would like to discuss?
l say you resign as head prefect.
We are fighting for girls here, so we need a straight guy in charge.
l'm celibate, Hamish, not homosexual.
We've been over this.
Yeah. Gayest Gaylord in Gaytown.
What's up, guys?
You're late.
What's all that crap you're carrying?
l was just picketing over at ACS.
l'm sorry, you were doing what at ACS?
Demonstrating against the war.
This is supposed to be secret, Percy. What if a teacher saw you?
What are you doing? You're jeopardizing the whole thing.
Hey, nowhere in those rules does it say l can't exercise
my freedom of speech, all right?
Yeah, well, l'm about to exercise my foot right up your ass, Collins.
Oh, that's clever banter, Hamish.
You want banter?
There's some banter.
You know what? l'm done with these lame-ass meetings.
Why do l feel Lancaster's prefect meetings
are slightly more sophisticated?
Gentlemen, as you are already aware,
we will have General Schwarzkopf coming in this week
to advise us on strategic matters.
To shock and awe, gentlemen.
ALL: Shock and awe!
Finch, you were a little late on that one.
They think they can just do whatever they want.
They're like a bunch of rogue nations
who just got their first nuclear missiles.
Yeah, they're like rogue nations with really good tits.
Hey... it takes a lot more than tits and ass to get me going, all right?
l need to be mentally stimulated.
You're totally gonna spank to this in the shower later.
l can't believe you don't see how lame and immature this is.
Dude, the whole of high school is lame and immature.
You know, l'm a little surprised.
You clearly don't use your looks to manipulate boys.
You saying l'm ugly?
What? No.
So, you think l'm hot?
You have attractive qualities about you.
So, you want me.
No.
Of course you don't, 'cause you're into Diana.
-l am not. -Are too.
Am not.
Are too!
[ Knock on door ]
Come in.
What? l'm busy.
Everyone at school thinks you're a total freak.
[ Sighs ]
Your senior class is treating their beauty like a commodity
to be fought over like crude oil or conflict diamonds.
Diana is using all of you to get back at me.
Whatever.
l have a message for you from Diana.
Oh, so you're their little errand girl now.
l'm supposed to take your answer with me to school tomorrow.
Grow up, Percy!
You're the one who should grow up!
[ Music plays ]
Hello, Jackie O.
Percy!
Long time no see. What's your poison?
Okay, let's not pretend like this isn't awkward.
Okay, it's awkward.
So, why are we having this awkward meeting--
Okay, technically l am not supposed to be here
-without a chaperone, all right? -Oh, right.
Look. l get it, okay.
You're not gung ho for this whole thing,
but it was really shitty of you
to turn that picture in to Mrs. Blackwell.
What?
l saw you outside with your signs.
lt seems like you'll do anything just to stop this.
What? Hold on, rewind. Picture? Blackwell?
What the shit are you talking about?
The picture of us in the bikinis.
The one that no one was supposed to see, especially our headmistress.
Oh, she saw that?
[ Laughs ]
She must have flipped.
Oh, so, you didn't send it?
No, l didn't send it. Come on, l'm not that big of an asshole.
Well, then... who?
Busted.
So, l guess this means the war is over.
No, the war is not over, and stop calling it a war.
Too bad.
Look, even if you didn't send the pictures,
you gotta stop this whole picketing thing, all right,
because it's gonna raise up a lot of questions
that l just don't think l can answer.
l will stop my campaign as soon as you admit the real reason
for starting this war.
Oh, l'm sorry, l don't believe l know what the shit you are talking about.
-Don't play dumb. -l never play dumb.
You did this to get back at me.
Oh, my God. God! Just get over yourself already, all right?
Oh, come on, you knew that l'd fight this thing,
and you knew that l'd become unpopular because of it.
Oh, l'm sorry, l believe you became a social outcast all on your own.
l'm willing to pay the price for my convictions.
-Really? -Really.
Then why the fuck should everyone else have to pay for them?
[ School bell rings ]
Hold on. Before you guys go,
anybody need a little drama in their lives?
Well, you can have it right now.
Just sign up for the school play right away.
Or somewhere else later.
That's... alrighty-tighty.
Preferably later. That would be best.
What's up, guys? Ready to sign up?
Percy, there's a rumor going around
that you showed that picture of the girls to their headmistress.
Okay, look, l don't know who started that rumor,
but it's complete bullshit, okay?
So, maybe we were misinformed.
Maybe.
We really want to win this competition.
Listen...
As a member of your student government,
it's my job to look out for your best interest.
Believe you me, this war is not in your best interest.
Listen, we...
They just want to go to prom with hot girls and lose our...
their virginity.
Were you not at the meeting? Sex is not a part of the deal.
l'd be happy to settle for a nice time with a nice girl.
Why are you so against that?
[ Laughs ]
Look, are you guys gonna sign up for the play or what?
No? Okay, then, please make way for all the other people who do.
There's a long wait, and l am very busy.
Thank you for your time.
See you later.
-Asshole! -You too, buddy.
Okay, everyone back off and give me some fucking space, please!
Two of a pair, Fukoyama.
Well, l got three aces.
Shit.
Bitch.
Oh, checkmate!
How does it feel, biatch, to be a loser?
Oh, one for the big boy,
Sucka!
McAllister.
Atridge.
Good game so far.
lt's almost like it used to be.
You mean, before your great Nerd Revolution of '84.
The point is... this prom thing has given our boys a reason to fight.
So, you know about the prom thing?
Should make for an interesting year.
You and l can make it a great deal more interesting.
How much more interesting?
Say, 5,000 a match.
You should just pay me now.
What happened out there, Percy?
l already have a coach, thank you.
You sucked... on purpose.
l thought we made it clear that we all
want to go to prom with these girls.
Yes. And l thought that l made it clear--
Listen, we are losing,
and if you cost us any more... there will be trouble.
Yeah, consequences.
[ Knuckles crack ]
l got threatened by a mob of angry nerds today.
Don't you guys see what this war is doing?
And they think if we win
it's gonna be some crazy prom orgy or something.
You don't understand. You've been at Selby for three years.
Most of these kids are lifers.
Lifers?
Enrolled at the age of 6,
who spend their entire lives surrounded by other boys
and leave for college... virgins.
Lifer.
Joe, l mean, you don't Iead mobs around town, right?
-You're normal. -[ Scoffs ]
What is it?
Just read it.
''Although l know that love emerges from the rattle
and hum of the cerebral...''
Cerebral cortex.
Cerebral cortex, yeah, l know.
''That the heart '' l'm sorry, ''is nothing more than a blood pump.
Although l know what love is, my blood pump still aches for you.''
Wow.
Didn't know you wrote poetry.
Reams of it. And it's all terrible.
No. No, this... this is great.
Really? Really, you guys think it's okay?
No, it's terrible.
The point is, Percy, that l wrote that for...
... an ACS girl.
l don't know, l guess every lifer is crazy in his own way.
Some draw pictures for girls, some compose music,
and some write really terrible poetry.
But it's the only thing that keeps me sane.
That and...
... the possibility of having the perfect prom
with the girl that inspires my crappy poetry.
Great.
[ Car horn honks ]
[ Car window lowers ]
Hey, there, Collins. Need a lift?
Fuck off.
Look, l wanna talk to you about ending this Prom War.
Now, between you and me, Collins,
this whole contest thing is just a silly whim of Diana's.
Well, you got that right.
l mean, l guess l should have waited to buy her the $4,000 prom dress
til after l asked her to prom--
What?
Yeah. You're right. Probably not the smoothest move.
But l just assumed, since we've been seeing each other again--
Oh! You've been seeing...
Anyway, l got that whole ''taking me for granted'' speech.
We all know that one.
And it's this competition nonsense.
Chicks, huh?
So...
This is just her way of getting back at you
for being... presumptuous?
Exactly.
So... the sooner this contest is over,
the happier you and l will both be.
But you'd be much happier if it ended in Lancaster's favor, huh?
Naturally.
A few deliberate rule violations on your part,
and, hey, look at that, the war's over.
That would be social suicide.
Collins...
Everyone already assumes you took that photo to Blackwell,
l mean, come on.
How much worse can your social life possibly get?
You sent her that picture. You framed me.
Hey, forget the picture. l'm talking business here.
Compensation for emotional trauma
that you'll endure after selling out your classmates.
How much compensation?
-Name your price. -$10,000.
Oh, should l make this out to ''Percy'' or ''Percival''?
Make it out to... ''Fuck You.''
Uh, ''The Quick and the Dead'' the novel!
Uh, ''The Scarlet Letter'' uh...
[ Music plays ]
No, no, no, no, no!
''The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat.''
Yes!
You know, l really miss this place sometimes.
You know, people got me here. What's up, dude?
Nice tie, faggot.
Do you want to be in my play?
-Again? -Yeah.
No one signed up, huh?
Yeah. But this one is great.
lf you can memorize your lines by Sunday.
Yeah, sure. Anything else?
What are you doing tomorrow night?
Oh, remember, ladies, we have the Selby dance tomorrow, right?
Do we really have to go?
Yes. Selby is, like, 20 points behind,
and we have to keep them motivated.
Motivated? How?
She's saying we gotta make them horny.
Gross.
No. l mean that we just have to remind them
what they're fighting for, all right?
Who wears underwear like that to a soccer game?
Who doesn't?
[ Music plays ]
Why aren't we dancing? The girls are right over there.
Nobody comes to these things to dance, Dubinsky, okay?
Well, why don't you go make your big move, Tom Cruise?
Maybe l will, Tom Petty.
When?
Oh, my God. Worst dance ever.
l swear one of those dorks by the door actually had a boner.
Would it kill them to dance for five minutes?
-Look who's talking. -l don't dance.
Right, but everyone else should.
No offense, Northrop, but wooing is a very delicate art
that you probably have no concept of, okay?
The hunter has to be very patient with--
Jen B., l love you!
Hey, Joseph.
Looks like someone is making a move.
This is bad.
He is coming over here.
Ladies, hi. What's your poison? Okay.
All right, cool.
So what's happening on this side of the room?
Not much.
Cool. Amazing. Nice.
So, is it just me,
or is this, like, the worst dance in the history of mankind?
Didn't you organize it?
Yeah, but they didn't really... capture my vision
that l was trying to get across.
l don't normally come to these things, actually.
lt's kind of like on a whim.
Normally, me and my friends, we do way cooler stuff.
Rupert said that we should probably come to this
because of the competition and everything,
and it's a sign of good faith or whatever.
What's in the flask? What's that?
Vodka.
Thank God! Somebody brought some vodka. That's amazing.
Can l get, like, a quick hit on that? Like, what do you think?
-Sure, take a hit. -Nice. Thank you.
Cheers.
[ Coughs ]
Memories of Moscow.
l was wondering if you guys wanted
to maybe hang out with us on the other side of the room.
Actually, we're kind of in the middle of a private conversation.
You know, girl stuff.
Yeah. No, yeah, of course.
Girl stuff. Yeah. Absolutely.
Actually, l have some guy stuff
that l should probably attend to immediately.
Percy!
How'd that go?
How did that go? That's a really good question, Percy.
l made an ass of myself.
How do you think it went? Are you happy now?
No. Not happy.
Oh, great. Now l'm out of nasal mist.
-Joseph? -Two for two.
-Joseph? -Yeah?
Come with me.
No. No, no, no.
No, l'm fine by the bar. Where am l going?
No, you can't make me do anything.
And now we dance like losers. You too, Percy!
l gotta take a leak.
Like that.
What's up, Beecham?
How crap is the DJ, huh?
l made a beautiful girl Iaugh tonight.
Oh, yeah? That's great, man.
Don't pretend like you give a shit.
lf it was up to you,
she'd probably go to prom with someone else.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Where are they going?
DIANA: Hey, hey. Girls? Girls, where you going?
lt's only 8:15. The party hasn't even started yet.
l brought snacks for everyone.
Jen, what is going on?
lt's him. He's stealing our girls!
We're leaving.
So, there's a pretty big party over at Finch's place.
His older brother is a talent agent over in L.A.
Word is Johnny Depp is gonna be there.
Maybe Ashton Kutcher.
You know, l merely spread the word. You should come, Di.
You self-serving son of a--
-Percy. l'm handling this. -Go.
Collins, bad news -- uh, no Selby girls allowed.
Percy, pull yourself together!
Yes, Percy. The grownups are talking.
Jen, come on.
Look, l said we'd come to the dance. l never said we'd stay all night.
Okay...
McAllister, pity about your dance.
That's real fucking funny.
DIANA: Hey, hey, stop, stop, stop.
McALLISTER: l thought you said you were in charge of these girls.
DIANA: Okay, exactly what am l supposed to do?
-Beg them to stay? -Sure.
Maybe if the dance wasn't so gay, they would have stayed.
Hey, come on. Let's not point fingers here.
-Your fucking faults. -Get it together.
You know what? Fine. They ruin our party, let's go ruin theirs.
No, Percy, not a good idea.
Yes, it is a good idea,
'cause l'm tired of these Lancaster pricks taking everything from me.
So it's time for payback.
Okay, l think you're turning into an asshole,
and that's gonna get your ass kicked.
Maybe it will, but at least l'll go down fighting!
Fine, but it's your funeral, all right?
GUY: Yeah!
Look, guys, l am really sorry about this whole desertion thing.
Fine, we'll do it without her. Who's with me?
l'm in.
Then, let's roll.
What, like now? Yeah, right.
So, was Ashton Kutcher actually there?
Technically we never really made it past the front door.
So, does this mean you are an active combatant now?
No. It means l'm not gonna take any more shit from Lancaster.
So, that's a yes.
Think of me as a mercenary. l'll fight, but not for your cause.
You talk so much shit, Percy.
lt's good to have you on board.
So, how's the robot coming?
Good.
Joe's developed a whole new weapons system.
Why? The harpoon gun was awesome.
No way. It was way too primitive.
Lancaster hasn't been a serious competitor
in the five-year history of high-school Robo Clash.
We could send in a Tonka truck armed with a water pistol,
and we'd still kick their ass.
All right, don't get too cocky. l mean, we really need those points.
You guys really need those points.
[ Laughs ]
What are you laughing at, Rupert?
l just got an e-mail from Diana.
Why?
lt seems she feels bad about what happened last night
and wants to make it up to us.
How?
She's having a private little get-together
Friday night at her place.
Parents out of town,
some ACS girls, some Selby boys.
-Which boys? -Which girls?
-Can't you get someone else to go? -No.
Consider this your punishment
for helping Geoffrey ruin the party, all right,
and for some of the antics that
l heard we're going on at Finch's party.
ls this about me and Geoff?
No!
All right?
lt's just about not making the Selby boys feel like shit, Jen.
Di, l don't think you realize that, like, half the grade
is only going along with this thing
'cause they assume Lancaster is gonna win.
So don't fucking expect us
to make any special efforts to make the Selby kids feel good.
Look, l just expected you to be fair, okay?
The whole evening with Selby boys alone.
No parents.
Thank you, sir.
Don't worry.
Those little shits won't make it to the front door, right, guys?
[ Laughter ]
Hainsworth. Drinks. Now.
Pull yourself together Finch. Fix your tie.
You're lucky l know you're mother.
You guys think maybe this will be a rainbow party?
l hope not, you know. l've been to so many already, it's like... ah.
l hate to burst your bubble,
but there's no such thing as rainbow parties.
lt's just an urban legend, so get it out of your mind.
Then how come my sister's best-friend's ex-boyfriend
went to one and came home with a multi-colored wang?
'Cause your sister's best friend's ex-boyfriend is a liar, okay?
He probably went home
and colored his wang himself with crayons and magic markers.
Either way, l'm getting some action tonight.
Yeah, that's what l'm talking about.
l swear to God,
if you dorks embarrass me in front of the ladies--
Hey, ladies! Where are you going all dressed up, huh?
So...
l wonder what's keeping those guys.
[ Cell phone beeps ]
-Mom? -Honey?
No!
Pumpkin? Pumpkin, do you need Mommy?
We are not going home with our tail tucked between our legs.
That's exactly what they want!
Pumpkin, are you okay?
[ Disconnects phone ]
Hey, what's up, guys?
Sorry we're late.
We got jacked.
PERCY: Those Lancaster bastards!
lt's no big deal, Percy.
No, Joseph, it is a huge deal.
Percy. It's cool, okay?
At least they didn't take our underwear.
Any guy that shows up in a girl's house in his tighty whiteys,
and doesn't give a shit...
that's courage.
l'm not gonna show them to you if you keep touching them, okay?
No, hands off.
Guys, guys, l had this cramp in my thigh, right,
from when l was kicking the crap out of one of the Lancaster goons
and Tess massaged it for me.
Yo, give it up, yeah!
Now, this one was taken right before we played Twister.
Oh, that was so hot.
Nobody depants nerds from this school but me.
Nobody.
We need to strike back at Lancaster fast and hard.
That is an excellent homoerotic plan, Hamish, really.
Homo what?
Listen, l don't think revenge is gonna be necessary.
Look at that, she's kissing me, and not 'cause anyone told her to.
She's kissing me 'cause she wanted to kiss me.
Has anyone ever had that happen?
Not me.
Goddamn it!
Pictures of you in your goddamn underwear?
l'm trying to do you a favor here.
Yeah, l know, babe. l'm sorry. l just... fuck!
This picture thing is driving me fucking mental.
Look, l told you, we kept our shirts on.
Still...
And all those stories going around about naked Twister and stuff
it's just propaganda to raise Selby's spirits.
Nothing happened.
Why the fuck would Diana want to raise those losers' spirits?
Beats me.
Was Diana prancing around in her underwear?
Forget Diana.
Fine, forgotten.
Yeah, l'm ready.
Wow! There are some major rule violations here.
l don't know where to start.
You're busted.
And you know what the penalty is.
Hey, ladies!
Just give me, like, five minutes.
Actually, make it two.
Okay, so it's, like, l wanted to wear them,
but they're low riders, and l thought my tummy would be, like, too squishy.
And what if Josh thought l was a total slut for wearing them?
l don't want things hanging out all over the sides and stuff like that.
l mean, like, he told me he likes to have a little something
to grab onto, so that's, like, totally cool.
l don't know, what do you think?
l mean, you're great. l wish l could be like you.
How tall are you? Are you, like, 5'10'' or something?
'Cause l feel so short. l'm only, like, 5'6''.
Oh, my God, are those Prada?
You just love being the martyr.
No.
l just can't sit by and let a fuckface like Geoffrey Atridge
rob innocent young nerds of their dreams.
lt kills you that Diana had sex with that guy.
Yes.
No. No, l'm not jealous.
l'm just pissed off that he thinks l am.
Right.
Can we just talk about something else?
Sure, what do you want to talk about?
l mean, what can she see in him?
Besides social skills and confidence?
Hate you.
Look, why don't you just ask her?
Ask her what?
Why she had sex with the most evil guy in the whole entire world ever?
Please, or l will.
[ Military marching music plays ]
l'm in the middle of my routine!
-Not again. -Please, Mags.
Does this say you're sorry?
Sorry? Why would l be sorry?
l'm the one who got beat up.
You are a disaster.
[ Porno movie plays ]
What'd l miss?
Oh, my God, these close-ups are so gross.
Prude.
-Pervert. -MAN: Shh.
l chose this location because l thought it would be nice and covert.
The furious three wouldn't be caught dead in here.
Oh, really? l thought it was one of your favorite hangouts.
Now, what did you want?
l, uh...
Well, l just wanted to thank you
for the little get-together the other night.
The guys really appreciated it.
You brought me all the way here to... well, you know what?
Tell the boys, that they are welcome.
-MAN: Shhh. -Oh, l'm sorry.
Are we distracting your concentration?
MAN: Uh, yeah.
l really appreciate it.
Oh. Wow. l am truly impressed.
Thank you for that, Percy. Can l go now?
Wait. One more thing.
DIANA: Okay.
l know the reason that you started the war.
Oh, my God, how many times do we have to go over this?
No, the real, real reason.
Which is?
You're mad at Geoffrey for being presumptuous.
Go on.
Well, he said that you guys are seeing each other again
and that he bought you a prom dress..
Okay, if by seeing each other
you mean my dad inviting him over for dinner
every fucking night of the week,
then, yes, l guess, technically, we are seeing each other.
And the dress?
Do you think l started all of this over a dress?
Well...
Bye-bye, Percy.
Why Geoffrey? l don't get it?
You don't think it's a little too late to be asking me that?
[ Groaning on-screen ]
What would you rhyme with myocardial infarction?
Why don't you just say heart attack instead?
Yeah, that's better. Thanks, Frankie.
And, uh...
Thanks, by the way... for you know,
being a trooper and fighting with us.
l know you don't have to because
you already have a prom date and everything.
Joe, it's my job to make sure some poor unlucky girl
actually gets to read those crappy poems of yours.
Awesome.
[ Cell phone rings ]
Hello?
Who is this?
What?
-Hello? -What's going on?
l just got a call from an informant.
One Linda Lovelace.
The plot thickens.
Apparently Lancaster has just hired Goto Dengo,
ten-time Robo Clash World Champion
and one of my personal heroes.
PERCY: l thought they didn't even have a robotics department.
Well, l guess they do now, don't they?
l hate them.
They're always cheating.
They think they can just buy their way out of everything.
So, do you think you can beat this Dengo character?
ln a fair fight, there's no chance.
No.
How about in an unfair fight?
You mean, like in a fight where we
maybe sneak into Lancaster beforehand and...
... steal their design blueprints, is that what you are suggesting?
'Cause l am down with that, if you guys are down.
Here's my plan...
This uniform feels very wrong.
-Suits you, though. -Fuck you.
Guys, shut up, we gotta get in, grab the blueprints
and get out without being seen, okay?
l got the map.
Guys. Just act natural.
Wow. It's gorgeous.
Guys, it's that way.
Hey, fellas, it's this way.
Sweet! Who likes Cubans?
Simply stunning. l love the frescoes.
Run!
You sunk my battleship, asshole.
l did?
Of course l did!
Boom!
Pull!
Shit!
[ Shot ]
Pathetic!
Man, those ping-pong and Scrabble losses really hurt us.
Yeah, exchange student, my ass.
l know a Scrabble ringer when l see one.
[ Cell phone rings ]
Hello?
Yeah, yeah, he's right here.
One second.
lt's Miss Linda Lovelace.
Hello?
[ Sighs ]
[ Disconnects call ]
What? Did you get some new intel?
Diana's pitting our school plays against each other.
She's hired a goddamn theater critic.
Take that, Lancaster.
[ Giggles ]
Shit balls.
What?
l need you to get another message to Diana.
You're making another date with her?
No. l'm not making another date with her.
l'm having a meeting about very important war-related stuff.
lt's not a war, and you're full of it.
lt's not a date.
B-52. B-52.
DIANA: This better not be about Geoffrey,
because l have nothing else to say on that topic.
lt's not. It's about the plays.
Oh... who told you about that?
M-16. M-16.
Look, l know you think l like being an outsider,
but l really don't appreciate taking shit,
especially since the only reason l'm doing it
is because no one signed up for drama.
BOY: F-14. F-14.
Please, just don't take the one thing l care about
and make it a contest in your stupid war.
Please?
BOY: AK-47. AK-47.
First of all...
it's not a war.
Okay?
And you got bingo.
BOY: F-18. F-18.
[ Orchestra plays ]
What the hell is he writing?
l don't know, but he seems to be enjoying it.
l've seen cheaper productions on Broadway.
So, does your miserable little bird play
have full-scale naval battle reenactments like this?
Shove your naval battles up your ass, Atridge.
What's the name of your play again?
''The Blackbird of Misery Comes Home to Roost.''
'A middle-aged couple, their marriage gutted by alcoholism, betrayal,
and the death of their only daughter in a crack-house fire,
play a series of vicious drinking games
that push them to the very edge of truth.'
This is gonna be good.
Are you even allowed to show
the consumption of alcohol in a school play?
l thought only chickens roosted.
l'm just hoping it's as organic as his last work.
You know, ''The Hummingbird of Discord Flits By.''
Now, that was theater.
Not a dry eye in the house.
Fag.
[ Thunder sound effects ]
-Where's my whiskey? -You disgust me!
You wanna know why l drink, Martha?
lt's cause every day down at the plant,
l watch my dreams get flattened like those sheets of metal,
and then l gotta come home to this filthy house and your sour face.
You wanna drink?
Fine, let's drink, you lousy bastard!
The first woman you cheated on me with was Roxanne,
that slut who runs the hardware store.
Yeah?
Well, at least she made me feel like l was worth a damn.
[ Laughs ]
You didn't even ever appreciate me for who l was,
did you, Diana?
[ Laughs ]
Diana?
Diana? Who's Diana?
Another one of your tramps from the hardware store or the tavern?
You can't even remember my name, you philandering louse!
Well, maybe if your name was easy enough to remember, l would!
l wish you would die!
Maybe l will!
So, who won this little battle of ours, Barry?
No one.
We both lost.
Pass me that bottle, will ya?
No. We've had enough.
[ Cheers ]
-Percy. -Hey, you guys.
We just wanted to congratulate you on a job well done.
Well, thank you.
Yeah. My platoon got four medals.
We kicked some ass and took down some names.
-Hoorah. -Hoorah.
-Hey, Percy. -Yeah?
About Diana, uh, you think l could hit that?
We did good, huh?
We did great. You became Martha.
Hiya, Mags. What's doin?
Not much.
l have a note for you. It's from Diana.
Thank you.
ldiot.
Aww. You're passing notes now.
That's so cute. Open it up.
Maybe l want some privacy.
''Congratulations on the victory.
Knowing how passionate you are about theater,
it doesn't surprise me that a critic preferred your production.
ln fact, l kind of expected him to. Diana Riggs.''
Dumbass.
Mrs. Peacock in the conservatory with the lead pipe.
Fifteen degrees north. Seventeen east.
Roger. Loading.
With the score tied
and only three games left in this epic confrontation...
Ultimate victory glistens on the horizon.
Glistens?
Just fire.
Firing!
People! Please settle down, okay.
We're not supposed to be here, so let's try to keep a low profile.
-Okay? -Okay!
Great.
-Out. -Out?
What, are you fucking blind? That was in.
The ball was out, and mind your manners.
Mind this.
lt was out.
lt was in!
lt was out!
lt was in!
[ Sounds whistle ]
Diana. Diana. Hey. How you doin'?
l know this is a bad time, but--
Oh, my God!
Therefore, effective immediately, the contest is cancelled,
all accumulated points are void.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
Looks like peace.
After everything we've been through?
No! Screw peace. l say we keep fighting.
For what?
For victory.
lf there's no fucking girls, what's the point, Hamish?
Don't send your troops into battle without a concrete objective.
An army of nerds Ied by a closet case.
Why did l ever think we had a chance?
[ Knock on door ]
Come in.
Another note from Diana?
What's the matter?
Miss Blackwell fired all the head girls...
and cancelled their senior prom.
My sister told me everything.
-l'm sorry. -lt's my fault.
l created a monster.
Actually, l created a bunch of monsters
who gave each other black eyes over a stupid tennis match.
Yeah.
But they're pretty proud of those black eyes.
Well, l'm ashamed of them.
Plus, my whole class now has split and taken sides,
which is a whole other nightmare.
[ Sighs ]
So, if you're here to try to convince me
to restart this competition or this war
just like everybody else wants,
you can forget it.
Because prom just isn't worth it.
No.
lt's not.
[ Duck quacks ]
But you are.
Looks like their Cold War is over.
But is it glasnost or just détente?
[ Plays ''Taps'' ]
HEADMISTRESS: Well, well.
Never thought l would see you two in here.
Yeah, well we have something very important to discuss.
This wouldn't have anything to do with the prom competition, would it?
Let me guess.
You want me to restart it for you.
BOTH: Yes.
And why would l help you two gray-haired delinquents
restart this pissing contest?
Because if our sons aren't allowed to carry on their war,
we'll have to pick up the fight for them.
Mac.
Attie.
Are you boys still mad at me
because l went to prom with both of you?
Miss Hawthorne? As in the Miss Hawthorne?
Holy shit!
l mean, come on, she's just the head of the alumni association.
l mean, what could she possibly do?
The woman made Martha Stewart cry at a cocktail party.
-Miss Riggs. -Miss Hawthorne.
[ Clears throat ]
This isn't a disciplinary hearing. You can relax.
Although, that business at the tennis club was a bit much.
l apologize thoroughly for that.
lf l had known...
Miss Riggs, representatives
from the Selby and Lancaster Old Boys Association
visited me recently.
They are very concerned about this Prom War.
Yes.
lt's completely done. It's over.
Finito. Done.
Yes.
That's what they are so upset about.
Mm-hmm.
Um, l'm sorry, what?
Miss Riggs...
They've threatened to pick up this war where you left it off.
They say given the combined wealth and power of their members,
they could wreak havoc on this economy.
Of course, l told them to blow it out their asses.
There was no way, l said,
that a self-assured young woman such as yourself
was going to be bullied by a couple of overgrown schoolboys.
l explained to them
that the only way you would even consider restarting this war
would be if it was on your own terms.
My own terms?
For instance, if you came to realize that without closure
these boys might leave high school with the impression
that women are merely flighty and manipulative,
rather than worth fighting for...
For instance.
Memorize the waypoints on your monitors.
Now, you will be equipped with GPS navigators,
but it never hurts to have a mental map of the terrain. Finch.
Sir, what's the status on the thermal-imaging scopes?
Exquisite question. O'Brien, fill him in.
Nice map, Rupert.
Thanks.
PERCY: Wait a second. Aren't we playing inside?
Yeah. We are totally gonna get slaughtered out there.
Ready for the big battle?
Yeah. l'll probably get shot in the first two minutes.
What happens if you lose?
We just can't take any ACS girls to the prom.
No big deal.
Nah, no big deal.
Plus, if you went, you know,
you might have to go with Diana,
and that would be totally weird and awkward.
Totally.
You know, uh...
if worse comes to worse, l'll go to prom with you.
Really? You'd do that?
No. You should totally go with Diana.
Yeah. You're right.
[ Helicopter arrives ]
All right, if you get shot, blow your medic whistle,
and one of these Florence Nightingales
will escort you back here.
Now, if you are hit and try to cheat death in any way,
you will be disqualified,
and we have referees who will see to that.
Are there any questions?
The first to kidnap their enemy's flag
and put it back on the wheel wins.
lf you do not blow your whistle--
-Shock and awe! -Shock and awe!
May the best team win.
Hey, good luck.
Once we hit Waypoint Zulu,
you guys are gonna break off into fire teams Alpha and Bravo.
You are gonna execute a flanking maneuver
using a leapfrog cover formation.
Jesus, Joe, what's that for?
lt's for digging foxholes.
l take it the only thing you didn't pack is your allergy medication.
We look like the Village People!
Where's Francis?
Stay frosty! Short, controlled bursts.
Okay, Percy is gonna stay behind and guard the flag
and the rest of you...
Yaaah! Lancaster pussies!
... try not to shoot each other.
-Shock and awe, gentlemen! -Shock and awe!
Wait up, Hamish!
Move! Move!
Lancaster pussies! Come and get me!
Hamish, don't run so fast.
l have high arches.
Die, Selby fuckers, die!
Oh, that's good. Time to kick some ass.
Hey, guys.
Wow, ambush.
Makes sense.
You know, why don't l just, you know, blow this whistle?
[ Paintball shots ]
This isn't lead-based paint, is it?
[ Sounds whistle ]
Come out and fight, you little ninja bitch! Come on!
Sniper!
[ Paintball shots ]
Cease-fire! Cease-fire!
Dammit, he's already long gone.
Looks like they shot you up pretty good, soldier.
-So cold. -C'mon. Get up.
l can't feel my legs.
-Hamish. -Goldilocks?
-How many out there? -Two.
We're pinned down pretty good.
l say we wait until they run out of ammunition.
Bullock!
l'll create a diversion, and you escape.
lf l don't make it,
l want you to read this.
Thanks.
You're a good man, Hamish.
No time for a gay-pride parade, Susie.
-Just get that flag. -On three.
One, two, three.
Clan McAllister!
PERCY: McAllister's down, O'Brien's down, Woozley's heading your way.
Yeah, Roger that. l have a fix on the target.
Secure and hold their flag site and await further orders.
Sir, l have an unguarded flag and Collins without a gun.
Permission to take him out?
No. Negative.
The flag and Collins are mine.
Secure the perimeter, grab his weapon, and wait for me.
Roger.
Hey...
How you doing, man?
Peace?
No strategy.
No discipline.
No chance.
Wow, you totally fell for that one, huh?
Awkward!
Well, l'd love to chat, but l gotta go.
l guess you're right.
l mean, come on, what chance did a ragtag band of misfits like us
have against you?
Awfully far from our flag, though, aren't you?
Finch.
Alpha, Bravo... Godammit, what's going on?
Remember that offer l made you in the limo?
You put your gun down, and l'll double it.
No one will ever know.
Forget it.
Fair.
30,000.
Come on, Collins, think about it.
Your parents could pay off the mortgage.
You're not buying your way out of this one.
l guess it's the fastest draw who wins, then, huh, sport?
Hmm, l guess so.
We'll be the judge of who gets shot first.
At which point, Pussy --
l'm sorry, Percy...
[ Laughter ]
l'm kidding. l'm kidding.
We're having fun.
Finch is loving it, eh?
Anyway, Percy tried to wrestle my weapon away from me,
but luckily, l delivered a surgical strike blow
to his brachial nerve, rendering his shooting arm useless.
-Brachial Nerve? -That totally never happened.
-That's a load of shit. -But enough of me talking.
Yeah, seriously. Enough.
Before we retire to the East Ballroom for our prom,
what do you say we watch the battle reenactment.
l hired John Woo to film for us!
Williams, you wanna cue the kid, please?
Unbelievable.
NARRATOR: A fearless hero Ieads four men into battle,
courageously bringing victory to his troops
while upholding the dignity of the Lancaster Legacy.
That hero... Geoffrey Atridge.
[ Cell phone rings ]
Cell phones off during the film, please.
Someone's a little rude.
[ Paintball shots sound on-screen ]
l saved you a seat.
Hey!
Come with us!
GIRL: Come on!
Jen B.
ALL CHANT: Jen B.! Jen B.! Jen B.! Jen B.!
[ Cheers ]
You're into comics, right?
You know, l just broke up with my girlfriend,
so l'm back on the market.
-l have a-- -You look really--
So, do you guys do everything together?
That's what l'm talking about.
l read your poem.
l hear you're celibate.
Well, actually my celibacy ended yesterday at 3:50 P.M.
when they handed me my diploma.
Actually, l have a whole bunch more. l'm working on some haikus.
Really?
So you've been sexually active for...
1,572 minutes and 31 seconds.
So, where are we going, anyways?
Oh, Troy Beechman's house.
His parents have a spread and a pool.
Well, maybe l'll push you into the pool.
No. No.
'Cause l'll probably get you in there first.
Well, that's not gonna happen, so...
BOY 1: l thought it was to the victor belong the spoils.
BOY 2: Defeat may serve as well as victory
to shake the soul and let the glory out.
Besides, it's not even over yet.
lt's not?
Not by a long shot.